Texting's for Fools
by Purfessorkitty
Summary: What happens when Russia and Germany text over the phone? Everyone dies, that's what. (ﾉ ヮ )ﾉ*:･ﾟ ﾟ･: *ヽ( ヮ ヽ) Rated T for various reasons.


**Texting's for Fools**

**A/N: Burritos. #w#**

**This story is fabulous... I think, idek**

**Bold: An action, or just a main message board. **

Normal: Speech

Underlined: Important.

**Let's roll. #u#**

**I have magical powers to copy faces from le internet and paste them in this fanfiction. (⊙ω⊙) I'm forever proud.**

* * *

_**Message has been received from phone user, "Russia".**_

_**Would you like to read it? **_

_**(YES)...NO**_

* * *

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Hiya, Doitsu! ( / ^ J ^ )/

I was wondering, Japan said something about something called a "Loli-con".

Do you know what that means?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia; **

Don't ever call me Doitsu again. (ಠ_ಠ)

Und I have an idea that it means a guy.. or a girl, who likes little girls.

It's mostly full grown men, though.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

R u a Loli-con? *3*

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

What? Nein!

Go lay down somewhere.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I can'tz, Belarus locked me in a room wit no bed, andz de ground hurts when I try 2 lay down.

... So, howz life? -3-

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Please, for the love of God, stop texting like that. You're breaking my insides.

And why the hell would Belarus lock you in a room?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Because she's a big fat meanie.

She's always been a big fat meanie. SHE STALKS ME WHEN I SLEEP. #JefftheKillerLel

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia; **

This isn't Twitter, Russland.

We don't use hashtags.

What the hell's a JefftheKiller anyway?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

America told me it's this creepy teenager that kills people with a butcher knife.

Here, I'll send you a picture:

-Jeff-

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

That shit ain't scary.

Here, look at this. He's called the Slenderman:

-Slender-

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

He has no face.

How is he scary? (" /)- J - )/)

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Fuck you. ┻━┻ ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ ┻━┻ **Flips two tables**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

KOLKOLKOL ;c; **cries**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

No. Stop crying. FOR GOD'S SAKE.

GO SIT IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM. **Throws dogs** ( / -_- )/

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

NYET. I DON'T WANT YOUR DOGS. **Throws wurst**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
To: Russia;**

**-HALLELUJAH-** ;u;

Wait a minute, are you making me Roleplay? ):U

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

I'm sorry. ;c;

It's the only thing I have to do in this STUPID ROOM. Dx

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

OK, fine. -.-

**Sits in corner with you**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Yayyy! ( x^ J ^x ) **hugs**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

NOPE. GET AWAY FROM ME. **Runs away**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*: : *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ) GERMAN SPARKLE PARTY W00T W00T. **Chases you with sparkles**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

France is at my house... I'M AFRAID THAT HE'S GOING TO TRY AND RAPE ITALY... OR JAPAN...

...OR ME.

...OR ALL OF US AT ONCE.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

He can't rape you. You already rape people with your serious stare of death.

You're even more intimidating than me and Sweden combined in my opinion. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ #BearfaceLel

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

FUCK YOU AND YOUR BEARFACE, THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

I rape people with my face? **Stares at you condescendingly ﴾͡๏̯͡๏﴿ O'RLY?**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

°Д° Dun you dare. **  
**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
To: Russia;**

**Moves closer**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Stop. Nyet. STAHP. (*≧ A ≦*) **Gushes****  
**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

YOU'RE NOT FUCKIN JAPANESE. THEREFORE, YOU CAN'T GUSH...

...Gush means to have a nosebleed, right...?

FUCK YOU URBAN DICTIONARY.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Da. What did you think it meant?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

To ejaculate.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

That's lovely. (•ω•)

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

What does a nosebleed mean anyway? ._.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I think it's something that happens when someone in a manga gets too embarrassed, and the blood that rushes to their face spurts out their nose.

Do you think that could happen in real life?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Only one way to find out.

TIME TO GO SEE PICTURES OF RUSSIA NAKED.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

WH-WHAT?! (#／。＼#) NO. QUIT IT!

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

I was kidding. There's no way in hell I would look up pictures of you without any clothes on.

Ugh.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

OK, good. I wouldn't want to have another miniature France as a friend.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Who said I was your friend?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Huh?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Okie. good.

**Tackles you and ties you up with scarf**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Nuuuu. get off of me you Satan.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

You're not taking this very seriously, are you? ب_ب #LilyCollins'sEyebrows

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Goddammit, Lily Collins.

Und ja, I'm not taking this seriously.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Have you ever heard of the Japanese song Matryoshka?

(- ﾟヮﾟ)- -(ﾟヮﾟ-) Kalinka, Malinka, gen wo hajiite~

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Ja.

CHU-CHU-CHU-CHU, LA LU LA, TAI YAI AA, AA IYA TTA TTA. ಠ⌣ಠ

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

(- ﾟヮﾟ)-

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

-(ﾟヮﾟ -)

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I love using the Japanese keyboard. ( ^ J ^ )

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

を使用すると、非常にかわいい人取り去ろうとします。

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

wat.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia**

私は何も、鬼と述べた。 地獄の深さに戻ります!

分を待ちます。 では日本はもう理解していないか?

で、私は、同志の内部にあることにします。 私は私の周りの感じにしたい。

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I don't know what you're saying, Comrade. (ᵔᴥᵔ)

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

OK, good.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

Wait a minute...

I just used Google Translate...

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

OH FUCK. (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Did you mean what you said...?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

HELL NO. **Throws all dogs**

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

YEY.

**Hugs and throws sparkles**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

France is trying to molest Italy.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Could you not cuss at me, please? (´・ω・`) It makes me feel sad.

I think you should tell him to leave. *:.. o(≧▽≦)o ..:* **Gushes while throwing confetti and pom-poms**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

That didn't help, Russland.

Now he told me I'm a no good dead beat motherfucker.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

DON'T TELL HIM I TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT HE'S A PERVERTED FROG WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING INCLUDING LAWNMOWERS

┌(" ಠ_ಠ)┘ **Runs like a motherfucker**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
To: Russia;**

How?

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING CUSS?

WHAT THE HELL?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

I told him what you said.

I also said that you told me to say it.

He told me that I should rape you the next time I see you.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

That's all that's on his mind, da? ( ﾟヮﾟ)

... Wait, you're not actually gonna do that, are you? ´・ω・`

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Germany?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

ಠwಠ

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

"°Д°

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Am I actually creeping you out?

What a shocker, the scariest person ever is afraid of an angry German.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Prussia said that he found a bunch of dirty magazines in your room.

Is that true?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

NO. YOU STOP FUCKING TALKING YOU GODDAMN SHOTA-LOOK-A-LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

What's a 'Shota'?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

A very girly boy.

Or, a little boy with a really cute face.

Mostly adored by women...

Sometimes... Men.

Mostly men...

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I'M NO SHOTA. ONLY SEALAND AND LATVIA ARE SHOTAS.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

So, you're saying that they're really cute? Dafuq?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

No. Nu-uh. Nupe. Nyet.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

OH NO. NO. NO. NO. GEMANY, HELP ME. PELAS.

BELARUS IS KNCOKING AN THE DOOR, SHE'S GOING TO MKITLL EM.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

CALM THE FUCK DOWN. HOW DO I HELP YOU? I CAN'T FUCKING FLY OVER THERE, RUSSIA. I'M NOT HARRY POTTER.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
To: Germany;**

WHAT DO I DO? THERE'S NO WHERE TO HIDE. SHE;S GOING TO AT MEY INSIDES

PLEWSE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

PUNCH HER IN THE FACE. PILEDRIVE HER.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I DON'T WANNA PILEDRIVE HER. THAT'S DISGUSTING. SHE'S MY SISTER, GERMANY.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

FUCK YOU.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

HELP ME. PLEASE.

.

.

.

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Russia?

Russia, are you there?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Oh great. You're dead and my last words to you were 'fuck you'.

I'm a great friend.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

She's gone. YAY! I LIVED! (⊙ω⊙)

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

You're alive?

I TAKE BACK ALL THAT I SAID THAT WAS MEAN TO YOU. I'M SORRY. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME WITH YOUR FACE.

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID. (/ ﾟヮﾟ)/ **Manly hugs**

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

**Manly hugs back **(/ಥДಥ)/

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

Hey, Germany. (#• J •#)

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

What?

.

.

.

**From: Russia  
****To: Germany;**

sTaY aWay FrOM My BiG BrOtHER.

I'M WatCHinG You AlWayYYyYS

Teehee~!

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

R-RUSSIA?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Come on, Russia. Stop messing with me, are you there?

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: Russia;**

Russland?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**From: ...  
****To: Germany;**

Here, have this.

(´・ω・)っ由

-A photo-

.

.

.

**From: Germany  
****To: ...**

YOU SICK FUCK.

HOW COULD YOU?!

.

.

.

**From: ...  
****To: Germany;**

Nii-san said that you'd hate it.

StAY aWAya FraoM hAIM Yaiou BasTard.

.

.

.

Germany dropped his phone, looking at it in horror.

The photo Belarus had sent was of Italy and America both wearing tutus and dancing together while in the pink background there were sparkles everywhere.

.

.

.

**From: Belarus  
****To: Germany;**

Bye-bye, Germany-kun. (´・ω・`) **  
**

**Strangles you to death with your German-cross necklace and grins while blood gushes from your dead corpse**

.

.

.

* * *

_**There are no new messages from phone user, "Russia" or, "Belarus". **_

_**Exit?**_

_**(YES)...NO**_

_**Reviews, anyone?**_

_**ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ**_

* * *

**A/N: Beautiful. **

******1: を使用すると、非常にかわいい人取り去ろうとします。- "You're a very cute man."**

**********2: 私は何も、鬼と述べた。 地獄の深さに戻ります! - "I said nothing, you demon. GO BACK TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"**

**************3: 分を待ちます。 では日本はもう理解していないか? - "Wait a minute. You don't understand Japanese anymore?"**

******************4: で、私は、同志の内部にあることにします。 私は私の周りの感じにしたい。- "Well then, I want to be inside of you, Comrade. I WANT TO FEEL YOU AROUND ME."****  
**

******************Review? ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ**


End file.
